I love God, I love his style as they said in the Ghost Busters, he is incredible, he has brought such beauty and love for us to enjoy and has given us so many opportunities to make a wonderful life for ourselves. He has given us all of the tools to live happy and loving lives. He has given it all to us and better yet given US the decision as to how to go about using those tools. What better gifts could there be? He is amazing.

Hell Howerver, scares me beyond belief. How will I ever know if Ihave been good? I know I am not worthy of God’s good graces yet he loves me anyway. Does that mean he loves me enough to save me from hell a second time? I am not good. Sure I do good things and am nice to people. I show love and give to the needy. But there are plenty of times I have turned my head and pretended not to  see or I have been annoyed with my children and snappped at them.

Do I deserve forgiveness when I can be so cruel? Things like this scare me and keep me up at night. It is egotistical to believe that I am better than that, that I don’t have to worry about that, that I’m better some  how because what makes me so much better? Nothing. I am no more special in God’s eye than any other of his children. No more so than any of my children are in my eye. Yes I have different children and yes different aspects of my children stand out to me but they are all still equal to me. So where does that leave me with GOd?

This whole Noah’s arch is wonderful and amazing but scary at the same time because it confirms something that I was saying that I knew was true but kind of hoping was only partially true. If it wasn’t all true then the bad stuff wasn’t true either right? But Now how can I hide behind that logic? I love that the truth is here for me. I never doubted God was real that he is here, but his wrath is what I was trying to lie to myself about over the years. Now with the arch I can no longer do that.

I fear God now more than I think I ever have. Almost as much as hell I believe. Because in hell, yes it is terrible and if I end up there I must have done some terrible things, but to feel God’s wrath would be to know that my FATHER, the one that loved me from before the time I was conceived, watching me grow as a child into an adult, watching me parent my children and grandchildren, watching me make every decision of my life, has decided that I wasnt worthy to love any longer. That I just wasn’t good enough to love and protect any more. How could someone survive that? That is far worse than anything hell can offer!

On the opposite end of the spectrum though is that if the arch is real so is the story of the rainbow and the promise God will never give up on mankind as he did so long ago. That is reassuring because I’m not so sure if I were in his shoe’s right now I could stick to such a promise. Things have gotten pretty bad amoung his children down here on earth and maybe a clean start is just what we need I don’t know. I can not deny the parenting job that God has is one that I would Not want no matter how much I love my children. His poor heart must be broken all of the time. Even the sweet and innocent things the small children do aer being replaced with kids with guns. I just don’t get it.

I hope the promise is as real as the arch, even if it shouldnt be kept. I can’t wait to find out what they find out as time goes by with this discovery.

Better yet, when that one starts to wear down lets ask for something else.. the internet is a wonderful tool for those who want to get a high off of the drugs they are prescribed because they can find out all side effects and ask specifically for the ones they want. In these cases it is much easier to start or continue an addiction. I have found Pain pills are the most common pills people become addicted to.  I’m not sure how they are getting more than prescribed because I have never done this but I have seen many many people enjoying the highs of vicodin, morphine, oxycontin, oxycodone, tylox, and half a dozen others.

It is also terrifying becase this is becoming a popular trend amoung teenagers. Popping pills is the new smoking pot. It is readily available and socially acceptable. Kids think nothing of it. Not realizing that overdose is so easy to do and not easy to reverse.

Sex for the manic depressive can be so much more. Sex for a manic depressive is the ultimate expression of control in a world completely out of control. In a manic state the individual feels that every aspect of their life is out of reach. Even their emotions are out of touch and they long for some kind of control over what is supposed to be their life. Sex is a powerful way to get that control.

Addiction to sex is often a side effect of a manic depressive in a manic state. The high of having control over something in their lives is undescribable. It is like a drug, an aphrodieshiac, making the sex that much better. They often want it as often as they can get it.

The down side of this can be that when a manic depressive hits a low the desire for sex often times ceases to exsist. Going from one extreme to the other can be quite confusing to the partner of the manic depressive. It is not that the Manic depressive is no longer attracted to the person it is just that instead of looking for control over their situation their focus is then on finding order. Sex and order do not have much in common. Desire for sex is often over clouded by desire for order and understanding for the new found emotional overload they are faced with.

Sex, much like the emotional states of a manic depressive are a roller coaster for a manic depressive

I have also started painting AND writing again, hence my reason for being here. Both of these things tend to make me run a little manic. I get a tad anxious when I write but EXTREMELY anxious when I paint, until the painting is done.

I am currently working on a piece that I transfered from a drawing I did. I drew out two panthers for my boyfriend to get a tattoo across his chest and I thought it turned out good enough that I wanted to keep a copy for myself. I transfered the stencil to a canvas board.

In transfering it I got a lot of charcoal stains on the canvas so I have to wash paint over the board white before I can start painting.. I’m not very paitient and I have to do layers or this isn’t going to work..lol. I have to white wash, then paint the out line of the panthers, then white wash again then paint the panthers again then white wash one more time.

It’s oil paint so it’s going to take forever. It takes a long time to dry and it has to dry to do the second layer because of how i’m doing it. I don’t know. But I’m doing it

I am also writing again.. this time I’m on here AND back on Associated Content. I love it but I seem to be having trouble coming up with ideas on what to write about so if you have any ideas please leave me a comment.. i generally stick to mental illness issues and parenting. ANything you wanna read about?

Ok well I’m out of here.. Talk again soon I’m sure.

We began talking, even exchanging telephone numbers so that we could talk when we are not on line. Every day we talk for hours at a time about what our lives used to be and how they are now and we can’t seem to tell each other enough how nice it is that we found each other after all these years. Oh how I have missed him!! I’m so glad he is back in my life. It is as if we have always been together with our eyes closed to the world as the rest of the world passed us by. We only need to catch up on details.

My first  love didn’t react at first but I was so hurt that I didn’t care if he did. He started dating a girl a few blocks away and things seemed fine again. He and I talked, not nearly as much, and we were friendly with each other. It hurt to see him with someone else though I have to admit.

When I became pregnant with my daughter my first love seemed hurt, or confused. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but he distanced himself from me.  That hurt terribly. I needed him, my first love, my best friend and he was walking away.

My daughter’s father was not a good man, when he began to show his true colors my first love was there to rescue me, but after he had already distanced himself from me I didn’t trust him any more. I wanted to be close to him but I didn’t trust myself.

A few months later he would move with his family about a half hour drive away and I would no longer see him except in rare passing. He would have forgotten me for sure in no time at all. WHen we did see each other it was always good to see him and my hurt always longed for him, hurting deep inside, but I couldn’t tell him that.

As time went on and a few years down the road it had been awhile since we had seen each other and I moved several hours away not to move back. I married, and divorced only to marry again, still having my first love burning in my heart.

Every now and again my memory of him would bounce to the front of my mind and I would worry there was something wrong with him, that he needed me and I couldn’t find him. This happened plenty over the years.

Fast forward 16 years later… I am now living across the country, single again, with three children, and out of the blue he comes to mind. Over the past decade and a half I have done half a dozen searches on him name coming up with nothing. Recently I opened a facebook account, and as I have with any account I am registered with that has a search engine I searched his name with no success.

Periodically I would search just to see if he had shown up recently. About a week ago I did my usual search for him with my fingers crossed and came up empty handed, only to find two days later, an email in my inbox with a friend request from my first love.

He opened his account on the same day I did the search for him and he looked me up! He found me, after 16 years he found me!! I didn’t know what to say or what to do. I almost cried I was so happy. I replied immediately and axiously awaited a returned email.

There were two new kids in the neighborhood I was told and I got sooo excited, then I saw him. People will tell you that you don’t even know what love is at that early of an age but when I saw him it was like nothing I ever felt. I wanted to be near him all the time. It was like a bolt of lightning.

We became close friends, all of us that lived in the apartments.. there were several kids that lived there. Through all of the years growing up I had this growing crush on him. He was my hero and I told him everything. Even the tragic secrets of my life that no one else in the world knew.

When I hit about 12 years old I began to think of the two of us as boyfriend and girl friend. I looked forward to every conversation with him. Every moment spent together.

When I reached about 14 it happened. We started writing notes to each other and exchanging them through the back window so that no one would know about it. Our parents became the best of friends as well. Any way we started exchanging these notes and I finally told my secret.. the one he didn’t know. That I liked him.

There was a dance at the school and I wanted to go so bad, hoping he would ask me to dance, wanting to be in his arms but I couldn’t go. WHen he got home he brought me over a note saying he missed me at the dance and asked me if I wanted to dance. We slow danced on my back porch for several min while I laid my head on his chest. I couldn’t have dreamed of anything sweeter. That was my first love.

The routine is something like this.. 1st week I walk 5 min for warm up after I stretch then I jog for 1 min followed by walking for 3 min. Do this for twenty min or so then walk for 5 min to cool down.

Week two we bump it up a little. I do my normal warm up walk then I jog 1 min followed by just 90 sec of walking. Do this for twenty min or so. Followed by a 5 min cool down. This is three days a week, giving yourself time to recoup between sessions.

Week three ( which I am beginning ) is doing 30 min of the walk/jog routine with still 90 sec in between. The following weeks we add more time of jogging between walks until you are jogging a whole 30 min.  After you get there you can start working on more days of jogging. When you are comfortable jogging five days a week you start running for longer periods.

Disclaimer: I am in no way a doctor or anyone in the medical field and have no claim to have a professional opinion on this program. Before starting any exercise program you should ask your health care provider.

After your doctor ok’s you take your time and do it at your own pace. When i started Icould only jog for 30-45 sec at a time. This week I will be jogging 90 sec to 2 min of walking. I hope anyone trying to get fit asks their doctor if this is an appropriate program for them and I wish you all the best of luck. I love it and can’t wait until May.. When I have registered for a 5K run.

I did not do much walking through July and August because of the heat. I tend to feel ill if I’m in the heat too long. I know it sounds like a lame excuse but that’s how it went.. for the past 2 or 3 weeks I’ve been walking with some lame attempts and jogging. But I have continued to lose weight.

 I have had some bumps in the road and it seems once a month I tend to gain a lb or two. It ends up averaging out that I’m loosing about 1.5 lbs a week when all is said and done. That kind of average isn’t too bad I would say. My total weight loss so far is 46 lbs. YAY!!!